i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
