My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You ruined the universe
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
