I think I won the penis lottery.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
