Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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