Kiss
Puke
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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