Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
