I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
