My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Watching her eat just hurts me
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
