I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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