i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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