i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
