I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
