oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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