Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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