I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
