I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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