I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
