I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
