I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
