i'm signing you up for texting rehab
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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