nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
