I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
