I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Less talking, more tequila
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize