Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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