This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
