we're chasing vodka with high fives
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Blow job season was short but glorious.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
