Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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