Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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