I faked an abortion last night.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
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