Tell her she can't have a vagina
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize