Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
