I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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