Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize