her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
