Yo dont text me then not text me
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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