he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
