I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
