she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
