Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
