I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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