my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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