No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
