My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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