And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
