Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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