Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
