My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
