do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize