The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
