six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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