Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
