i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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