What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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