she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
