Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
