Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
