shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize