I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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