my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Text me some of your sweat
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
