When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I wish you could order shots online.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize