well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
