Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
