I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize