I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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