Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
