I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
