I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
