Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
