he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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