You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
