I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Ketchup is God's man juice
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
