WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
