Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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